Humour

[Rhutobello]

No wonder we don't like lawyers...I think it's because we don't understand them...just listen:)

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?

The student replied, Here's an orange.

The professor was livid. No! No! Think like a lawyer! The student then recited, Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...

[Dormouse]

No, we certainly don't understand them:

A lawyer said to a witness on the stand, “Now, sir, did you, or did you not, on the date in question or at any time, say to the defendant or anyone else, that the statement imputed to you and denied by the plaintiff was a matter of moment or otherwise? Yes or no.”

The witness looked at the lawyer and asked, “Yes or no, what?”

[Rhutobello]

hehehehehe...well a last 1 from me.....this is from real life and show how.........

Actual stupid questions asked
The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, I have to kill you because you can identify me.
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question.

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

[Dormouse]

?Question: What do lawyers use for birth control?
Answer: Their personalities.

[Barb]

OMG....ROTFLMAO!
If you guys keep this up, I will die laughing!
But what a way to go!
Ohhhhhh, I'm laughing so hard, I can't stop coughing or get up off the floor!

The up-side to all these lawyer jokes? Not one joke can be proven wrong or proven as stolen text!
Even cats know lawyers need to lay beneath the sandy beaches!

Coughing, laughing,
...coughing & laughing so bad!

Please don't stop..please! LOLOL

.0) Barb

[Dormouse]

Happy to oblige, Barb -- tho others may be cursing you for egging us on:


?Question: What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
Answer: A doberman pinscher.


Two lawyers were walking through the woods when they spotted a ferocious bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. “You’re crazy!” the second lawyer said. “You’ll never be able to outrun that bear!”

“I don’t have to,” replied the first lawyer. “I only have to outrun you.”


Question: What’s the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
Answer: One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder, the other is a fish.


Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage? They threatened to release one every hour until their demands were met.


A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the Devil. As he passed sulfurous pits filled with shrieking sinners, he spotted a lawyer he recognized making love to a beautiful woman.

“That's not fair,” he protested. “I face torment for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it making love to a beautiful woman!”

“Shut up!” barked the Devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. “Who are you to question her punishment?!

[Rhutobello]

I have read true a lot of lawyer jokes and done some speculations.
Jokes are for fun but seem always to have a seed of truth in them

Maybe the school of law have managed a way to remove the “higher self” from their student and instead put in the “bigger Ego”
This way the student will have a narrow sight and will concentrate on what is him/her to gain, and hopefully his/her client can benefit from it.

Hmm maybe we have to put up a lawyer spreadJ
I have not taken any copyright on this thought....so just think:)!

[Rhutobello]

Maybe this one explain my thought...(.which must not in anyway or otherway be taken serious:))
Want to go into space?
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn?t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. A million dollars, he answered, because I want to donate it to M.I.T.

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. I want to give a million to my family, he explained, and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer?s ear, Three million dollars.

Why so much more than the others? asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, If you give me $3 million, I will give you $1 million, I will keep $1 million, and we will send the engineer to Mars.

[Rhutobello]

I have never found the sence in the Americans love for weapon, but maybe they all have this in the back of their head and hope other state will follow.

WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON

1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout 'whiplash', 'ambulance', or 'free Perrier' for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.