A Manhattan lawyer was driving his new Jaguar down the street. He
parked it and opened the door to get out, but a taxi suddenly drove by and
ripped the door off. The irate attorney reported this to a nearby police
officer, who had seen the whole thing.
“You lawyers are so materialistic,” scoffed the cop. “You probably
didn’t even notice that your arm was torn off as well.”
The attorney looked down at the stump that was once his arm. “Oh,
my God!” he shouted. “My Rolex is gone!”
Humour
Moderators: Programmer, WebWeaver, WillowsHeart
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Rhutobello
- Major Contributor
- Posts: 188
- Joined: Sat 01 Jan, 2005 12:00 am
Re: Humour
Hehehehe....I have taken the liberty to copy from fun21...(ohhhh...copyright devil......) (I assume this is under the lawyer department)
IN THE BEGINNING...
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Quickly, God was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. God was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.
Then God said, Let there be light!
Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution?
God explained that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, and that he would obtain a building permit and to conserve energy, He would have the light out half the time.
God agreed and offered to call the light Day and the darkness Night.
The officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, Let the earth put forth vegetation, plant yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit.
The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.
Then God said, Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures and let birds fly above the earth.
The officials pointed out that this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audobon Society. Everything was okay until God said the project would be completed in six days.
The officials said it would take at least two hundred days to review the applications and the impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be ten to twelve months before...
At this point God created Hell.
IN THE BEGINNING...
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Quickly, God was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. God was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.
Then God said, Let there be light!
Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution?
God explained that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, and that he would obtain a building permit and to conserve energy, He would have the light out half the time.
God agreed and offered to call the light Day and the darkness Night.
The officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, Let the earth put forth vegetation, plant yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit.
The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.
Then God said, Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures and let birds fly above the earth.
The officials pointed out that this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audobon Society. Everything was okay until God said the project would be completed in six days.
The officials said it would take at least two hundred days to review the applications and the impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be ten to twelve months before...
At this point God created Hell.
Re: Re: Humour
Question: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a
dead lawyer in the road?
Answer: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
dead lawyer in the road?
Answer: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
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Rhutobello
- Major Contributor
- Posts: 188
- Joined: Sat 01 Jan, 2005 12:00 am
Re: Re: Re: Humour
lol...did anyone hear a wrrrroooommmmm.
here is another copy and paste.....boy....hunting seson:)
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, You can?t take it with you.
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer?s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
Oh, that darned old fool, she exclaimed. I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.
here is another copy and paste.....boy....hunting seson:)
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, You can?t take it with you.
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer?s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
Oh, that darned old fool, she exclaimed. I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.
Re: Re: Humour
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in Tahiti. The lawyer said,
“I’m here because my house burned down, and the insurance company
paid for everything.”
What a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my house
was destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for
everything.”
The lawyer turned to him with a puzzled look and asked, “How do
you start a flood?”
“I’m here because my house burned down, and the insurance company
paid for everything.”
What a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my house
was destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for
everything.”
The lawyer turned to him with a puzzled look and asked, “How do
you start a flood?”
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Rhutobello
- Major Contributor
- Posts: 188
- Joined: Sat 01 Jan, 2005 12:00 am
Re: Re: Re: Humour
Easy....you just tell a lawyer convention that there was an car accident outside the hotel:)
and my next copy and paste is::::dadadadada::::.....huum maybe we have to give some other a chanse too:):)
Replacing lab rats with lawyers
The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.
1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.
2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.
3. Lawyers are much ** to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
4. There are some things even a rat won't do.
and my next copy and paste is::::dadadadada::::.....huum maybe we have to give some other a chanse too:):)
Replacing lab rats with lawyers
The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.
1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.
2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.
3. Lawyers are much ** to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
4. There are some things even a rat won't do.
Re: Re: Re: Re: Humour
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his
limousine when he saw a group of people eating grass by the roadside.
He ordered his driver to stop, then got out to investigate. “Why are you
eating grass?” he asked one of the men.
“We have no money for food,” the man replied. Upon hearing this,
the lawyer offered to take him home with him. “But sir,” protested the
man, “I have a wife and two children! And my friend here has a wife and
five children!”
Bring everyone along!” said the lawyer with a motion of his arm. So
they all climbed into the limo.
Once underway, the poor fellow said, “Sir, you are so kind. Thank
you for taking all of us home with you.”
“No problem,” replied the lawyer. “The grass at my house is over two
feet tall.”
limousine when he saw a group of people eating grass by the roadside.
He ordered his driver to stop, then got out to investigate. “Why are you
eating grass?” he asked one of the men.
“We have no money for food,” the man replied. Upon hearing this,
the lawyer offered to take him home with him. “But sir,” protested the
man, “I have a wife and two children! And my friend here has a wife and
five children!”
Bring everyone along!” said the lawyer with a motion of his arm. So
they all climbed into the limo.
Once underway, the poor fellow said, “Sir, you are so kind. Thank
you for taking all of us home with you.”
“No problem,” replied the lawyer. “The grass at my house is over two
feet tall.”
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Rhutobello
- Major Contributor
- Posts: 188
- Joined: Sat 01 Jan, 2005 12:00 am
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Humour
hehehehe maybe that was this mans house:)
At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, Why not call him up?
He calls up the lawyer.
Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?
The lawyer responds, A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?
The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, Well, no sir, I'm...
Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!
The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. I'm terribly sorry...
Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?
The worker is completely humiliated at this point. I am sorry sir, please forgive me...
The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!
At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, Why not call him up?
He calls up the lawyer.
Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?
The lawyer responds, A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?
The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, Well, no sir, I'm...
Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!
The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. I'm terribly sorry...
Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?
The worker is completely humiliated at this point. I am sorry sir, please forgive me...
The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!
Re: Re: Humour
Looks like we've started a Lawyer Joke-Off here, Rhuto! Feel free to join us, everybody ...
Question: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a female pitbull?
Answer: Lipstick.
Question: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a female pitbull?
Answer: Lipstick.
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Rhutobello
- Major Contributor
- Posts: 188
- Joined: Sat 01 Jan, 2005 12:00 am
Re: Re: Re: Humour
No wonder we don't like lawyers...I think it's because we don't understand them...just listen:)
One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?
The student replied, Here's an orange.
The professor was livid. No! No! Think like a lawyer! The student then recited, Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...
One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?
The student replied, Here's an orange.
The professor was livid. No! No! Think like a lawyer! The student then recited, Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...