Psychiatrist Jokes

[Dormouse]

?A place to post your shrink jokes.


A psychiatrist went to a mental hospital to visit several of his patients. Afterwards, while relaxing in the garden with a cup of tea, he spotted an artist working on a fabulous mosaic of colored bricks. “Sir, your artwork is extraordinary!” he told the man. “I would like to visit your studio sometime.”

“Thank you,” the man replied, “but I don’t have a studio, I'm a patient here.”

“What!?” exclaimed the shrink. “It's preposterous that an artist of your caliber should have to labor in such a place! I'm going to speak to the director and have you released immediately! I have many wealthy friends who will commission you to design their gardens!”

You would do that for me?” asked the artist.

“You better believe it,” said the shrink as he handed him his card. “I'll be in touch.” With that, the psychiatrist turned and walked toward his car. Suddenly, he felt something hard strike him on the back of the head, knocking him senseless to the ground.

When he finally came to, he saw that he'd been hit by a colored brick. Then he looked up and saw the artist standing there waving and shouting, “Don’t forget!”



Definition of neurotic: a person who builds a castle in the air. Definition of psychotic: the person who lives in it. Definition of psychiatrist: the one who collects the rent.



A man had been feeling depressed for so long that he finally decided to seek help from a psychiatrist. He lay on the shrink’s couch for forty-five minutes, spilling his guts, then waited for some profound bit of wisdom to make him feel better.

“Your problem is one of low self-esteem,” said the shrink. “It’s very common among losers.”



A young Jewish man visited a psychiatrist, hoping to cure his eating and sleeping disorder. “Every thought I have turns to my mother,” the patient told the shrink. “As soon as I fall asleep and begin to dream, everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up so upset that all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast.”

The psychiatrist replied, “What, just one piece of toast for a big boy like you?”

[Rhutobello]

Nice:)

A psychologist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him.
- For your kindness, the genie said, I will grant you one wish!
The psychologist paused, laughed, and replied,
- I have always wanted a road from Hawaii to California.
The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said,
- Listen, I'm sorry, but I can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement. That's too much to ask.
- OK, the psychologist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. I'm a psychologist. Make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want? Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!
The genie paused, and then sighed,
- Did you want two lanes or four?